I consider myself to be a student of romance. Our culture is saturated with it, and I believe that romance is deep at the heart of who we are as human beings. I'm also fascinated by love stories of every variety, which my collection of chick flicks and "cotton candy" novels can attest to. While I long for human romance myself, (believe me, I do.), I know that no man, however incredible he may be, will ever come close to filling my heart the way my One True Love does. My Jesus has been my best and truest friend since I was 12, and I know he will continue to be for all of my days. I know that I break His heart with my satisfaction with "lovers so less wild", and he keeps bringing me back to the question "Am I enough?". He whispers it to me when the credits of that movie roll, when the last page of the novel is turned and the ache is fresh in my heart. Most of the time I assuage him and myself by whispering back "Of course!" and going on with my day-to-day life.
This longing for romance and adventure in my own life won't be silenced, though. I know that my life is very significant and meaningful right now, but I long for more.
The summer between my junior and senior years of high school, the summer of 2005, a very significant summer for me, I read God is Closer Than you Think by John Ortberg. This book talked about how any of us could have a life with God that few ever live -- a life with God like that of C.S. Lewis, Amy Carmichael, or Julian of Norwich. There is no limit to how close we can get to God and how much of a daring adventure He can make out of our lives -- the only lines between God and us are the lines that we draw.
Up until that point in my life, I was a pretty normal Christian girl. Raised in the church and at camp, I knew what my life would look like when I grew up. I saw the women at church and their husbands and families and, logically, assumed my life would take the same course. Their Christianity was sincere, but limited. They truly loved God, but Christianity was more a lifestyle than a romance. Being a Christian meant you did certain things and didn't do certain things, that you talked a certain way, and that you always always always went to church on Sundays. Up until that point in my life, I kind of thought the life of faith was hereditary in a way -- that you had the same religious
life that those of your social circle did. So I expected my life of faith to be similar to these women; very suburban. This book, though, told me that it could be different.
My Jesus took a hold of my heart and my life when I was 12 -- since then I had been trying to figure out how to live with Him and reconcile His wild, boundless love with my suburban environment. Now, at age 17, I learned that it could be different. I could be a "saint". I didn't know much at 17, but I did know that I wanted that. So I kind of figured out how saints got to be saints. I read about the spiritual disciplines and ancient monastic practices. I went through a period of legalism when my Jesus' voice was drowned out by rules. Through it all, though, He kept whispering "Beloved, am I enough?". He took me through some rough times, and there were definitely times in those next few years I got through only by clutching His hand and gritting my teeth until it was over.
All of this to say that I learned that my life doesn't have to be normal, to be suburban and tame. I've always longed for more, but it's hard when almost everyone you know is living a certain way and expects you to do the same. But I know my Jesus, and I know the last thing He wants me to be is "normal", to settle for living a certain way just because it's all I know. So I've given myself completely to Him. Every time He beckons me to a new adventure, He asks "Do you trust me?". Of course I can say "yes", but I also have to take His hand and walk with Him, which requires complete trust. Sometimes I don't trust Him as much as I think I do.
So what does all of this have to do with romance? Well, as I mentioned earlier, romance is an interest of mine. I look forward to my romance with my future husband some day, and I pray for him every day. But in this conscientious preparation for my future marriage, romance has the potential to become, and has been at different times, an idol. I've dethroned this idol countless times, but then I put it back up on the pedestal almost daily, too. I long for romance, and I listen to the lies telling me that this longing will be fulfilled in a relationship with another human.
My Jesus asks me still "Am I enough?", and when I actually stop to consider that question instead of flippantly answering "Of course!", my actual answer hurts him and me. Sometimes I don't trust Him to be enough. Sometimes I settle for those "lovers so less wild". But He never fails to take me back into His arms when I return to Him.
When I read or watch a really good, pure love story, my heart just aches. Have you ever seen something so beautiful it hurts? I believe that the truly beautiful things on earth hurt because they are glimpses of heaven, and make us long for our True Love and eternity with Him. I just watched a movie today, and the wedding scene just made me sob, because I thought about the beauty of the bride and groom's relationship, but also because this union between them brought glory to God. This kind of intimacy is a reflection of our intimacy with God, and I believe that He delights in it and blesses it.
My Jesus and I are so close that for a man to win my heart, he will have to join in the relationship that my Jesus and I already have -- he will never take my attention from Him for one moment. And now, at age 24, my Jesus still asks me "Am I enough?", and I answer "I want you to be." He is enough for me, and I am whole, but I still long for romance. But I'm not going to have a human romance unless it's AWESOME, and makes God look good. This romance will probably look different than most of what I've seen in my life, but that doesn't mean that romance can't be more than what our culture dictates. That's like a middle schooler assuming that relationships can only last a week because that's all she sees, and always settling for shallow, week-long relationships. We see what our culture has to offer and say to ourselves "This must be it". I'm trying my hardest not to settle and not to compromise in this area, and my Jesus keeps reminding me "I didn't call you to be 'normal.'"
For many women my age, your wedding is seen as the culmination of your life, but I want mine to just be the beginning of a grand romantic adventure. I love that idea, that the wedding day is only the beginning. Most Christians would say that the day you "accept Christ" is the most important day in the life of your faith. But I would say it is only the beginning -- that night in 6th grade was only the beginning for my Jesus and me, and far more important and wonderful have been the days since.
As this first year of my adult life draws to a close and I think about the years ahead, I have to trust Hin to lead me and not settle for what others expect me to do. I can't let my love life dictate where I go and what I do -- He is enough, and if I let Him be, He is more to me than any man ever can or will be. For now, I live to fall more in love with Him every day and trust Him to make my life into the daring adventure I know it will be.
