mountain life

So I finished my summer at camp and moved to Colorado 2 1/2 weeks ago. I live in the mountains now. I can't really believe it.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of these views -- it's like I'm in God's country. The view from my school is just beautiful mountains. What I love the most about them is that they always look different. The other day there was this mist hanging over them with patches of sunlight.

My new school is amazing so far -- I'm already falling in love with my kids, although I do still miss my kids from Arkansas.

I've been working toward a very specific vision for my life: living in a small town in the mountains, teaching, and having awesome roommates. I'm there. I've achieved what I always wanted my life to look like. Now what? I guess I'll try this thing called "living in the present." I've heard of it, but I've never given it any serious effort.

I still have moments of doubt when I wonder what I'm doing or if I can really do this. Then I think of the birds and realize that God knows what he's doing, and it'll be okay.

wow.

This morning, I got a job. I just can't believe it. What I've wanted so bad all year, what I've been striving for. I got back to California about a week ago, resigned to the idea of staying here and earning my way to another teaching job in a year or so. Then I got this call, and before I knew it, I had a job offer.

This is huge. This is the first time in seven years that my life has really, truly made sense. This is the first time since I left Trinity that I was really happy with the direction my life was going. I've been fulfilled, contented, and invigorated at times, but this is something else entirely.

All this time, I think I've been wondering if my desires were right or valid. I think that we do God a disservice by assuming that HIS WILL must be the least "fun" option in any given circumstance, the option we have to sacrifice the most to pursue, the option that will "build character" the most. If I am walking with God every day and seeking to align my mind with His, why can't what I want align with what He wants?

And I don't think that God's will for my life is a narrow line at all. I think it's more like a field of wildflowers or something, the task and portion he's given me, and I'm free to frolic in that space as much as I'd like. Frolicking in a field of flowers presents a much better picture to me than tiptoeing rigidly across an invisible line.

So now that everything is finally coming together, that my faith is sight in this area of my life, how do I feel? I've been surprised at how cynical my thoughts have been:
"Well, you haven't been there yet. You don't know -- it could be miserable."
"You didn't work hard enough to earn this position."
"This past year wasn't difficult enough for you -- you should've suffered more to really appreciate this opportunity."

Don't those sound insane? I've learned to walk with God in faith, clutching his hand and squeezing my eyes shut. But now that the way has opened clear before me, I'm not sure what to do. God must be chuckling to himself at how difficult I make things for myself sometimes.

losing my grip

Transitions are rough, man. I've got 3 more weeks in Arkansas, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. There are so many thoughts and feelings floating inside me and I can't seem to identify all of them. Here are a few:
-I'm sad & guilty to be leaving. I don't want to be just one more person that floats in and out of my kids' lives. I love my school and my kids. I'll miss them.
-I'm eagerly anticipating the end of the school year (understatement), but I'm reeling that it's actually almost over.
-I love my kids so much. I can't believe how much.
-I'm vaguely looking forward to moving back to California -- I know it will be amazing -- but the prospect of moving to yet another new place and making all new friends and building my life all over again is tiring right now. I'm not exactly intimidated -- I've moved before, and I can re-build my life -- it just sounds tiring right now.
-I can't believe how little money I have and, surprise surprise, I'm stressed out about paying for my trip back.
-I'm proud of myself for (almost) finishing TFA and having a relatively successful first two years of teaching.
-I'm still heartbroken that Finnick dies in Mockingjay. I'd never thought that anything would come close to the heartbreak of losing Mufasa in the Lion King, but this does.
-I'm glad to be a part of the teaching profession.
-I'm frustrated at how little teachers make, and I wonder if teaching is financially viable for me next year.
-I'm amazed at Nelson Mandela's nobility. Just finished his autobiography.
-I've had the compulsive need to ruthlessly get rid of stuff in the last few days. I filled 2 trash bags yesterday.
-I'm grateful for books that allow me to escape reality.
-I'm anxious about the backlash from the yearbooks, which we handed out today.
-I feel tense at trying to maintain the balance between a healthy end-of-the-year relaxed classroom and still teaching the children something.

Bottom line, I thought I'd be more invigorated at the end of TFA. Maybe I will be when I have a better idea of what my new life will look like.

Okay, back to distracting myself. That's enough thinking for now.

tuesday night

I was bored in class today, and thinking about things and money and places and people.

So I wrote an outline for what I expected my life to look like from the perspective of when I moved home from Canada and first began to adjust to life here.

Sometimes when you write out your thoughts, you realize how ridiculous they are.

Or how sensible.

My thoughts today were a mixture of those two qualities, and as I planned out my life until about 2013 I realized something new:

I have no idea what God is doing here. Truly. I really don't know.

I never thought my life would look like this. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Cal State Fullerton is just as disappointing as I expected it to be. I like my professors and (some of) my classes, but Trinity was the perfect fit for me.

I still miss Trinity incredibly, and the thought that I have to be at CSUF for another year at least is really daunting. My GPA is slipping out of pure apathy. Paying for school drains my savings account every month, and I still don't even own a car. I love my family, but living at home is not something I want to do till I'm 25. I desperately miss my friends who reside in different states and countries.

BUT luckily God is the one in control, not me. The sermon at RockHarbor on Sunday was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It was a reminder that my life isn't mine to worry about. God loves me, and He has a plan that is BETTER THAN MINE.

I keep telling myself that, hoping it will sink in. I know that He is good. He's shown me that more times than I can count. And strangely, I'm finding a peace in the chaos that is my life right now.

"Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."