read it!

I picked this up at a bookstore on Tuesday and read the whole book yesterday morning:

As someone who's read most of the Christian books on relationships, I wish I'd read this one sooner. It was refreshing and encouraging. Read it now! Or check out the author's website: http://truelovedates.com/

mountain life

So I finished my summer at camp and moved to Colorado 2 1/2 weeks ago. I live in the mountains now. I can't really believe it.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of these views -- it's like I'm in God's country. The view from my school is just beautiful mountains. What I love the most about them is that they always look different. The other day there was this mist hanging over them with patches of sunlight.

My new school is amazing so far -- I'm already falling in love with my kids, although I do still miss my kids from Arkansas.

I've been working toward a very specific vision for my life: living in a small town in the mountains, teaching, and having awesome roommates. I'm there. I've achieved what I always wanted my life to look like. Now what? I guess I'll try this thing called "living in the present." I've heard of it, but I've never given it any serious effort.

I still have moments of doubt when I wonder what I'm doing or if I can really do this. Then I think of the birds and realize that God knows what he's doing, and it'll be okay.

wow.

This morning, I got a job. I just can't believe it. What I've wanted so bad all year, what I've been striving for. I got back to California about a week ago, resigned to the idea of staying here and earning my way to another teaching job in a year or so. Then I got this call, and before I knew it, I had a job offer.

This is huge. This is the first time in seven years that my life has really, truly made sense. This is the first time since I left Trinity that I was really happy with the direction my life was going. I've been fulfilled, contented, and invigorated at times, but this is something else entirely.

All this time, I think I've been wondering if my desires were right or valid. I think that we do God a disservice by assuming that HIS WILL must be the least "fun" option in any given circumstance, the option we have to sacrifice the most to pursue, the option that will "build character" the most. If I am walking with God every day and seeking to align my mind with His, why can't what I want align with what He wants?

And I don't think that God's will for my life is a narrow line at all. I think it's more like a field of wildflowers or something, the task and portion he's given me, and I'm free to frolic in that space as much as I'd like. Frolicking in a field of flowers presents a much better picture to me than tiptoeing rigidly across an invisible line.

So now that everything is finally coming together, that my faith is sight in this area of my life, how do I feel? I've been surprised at how cynical my thoughts have been:
"Well, you haven't been there yet. You don't know -- it could be miserable."
"You didn't work hard enough to earn this position."
"This past year wasn't difficult enough for you -- you should've suffered more to really appreciate this opportunity."

Don't those sound insane? I've learned to walk with God in faith, clutching his hand and squeezing my eyes shut. But now that the way has opened clear before me, I'm not sure what to do. God must be chuckling to himself at how difficult I make things for myself sometimes.

losing my grip

Transitions are rough, man. I've got 3 more weeks in Arkansas, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. There are so many thoughts and feelings floating inside me and I can't seem to identify all of them. Here are a few:
-I'm sad & guilty to be leaving. I don't want to be just one more person that floats in and out of my kids' lives. I love my school and my kids. I'll miss them.
-I'm eagerly anticipating the end of the school year (understatement), but I'm reeling that it's actually almost over.
-I love my kids so much. I can't believe how much.
-I'm vaguely looking forward to moving back to California -- I know it will be amazing -- but the prospect of moving to yet another new place and making all new friends and building my life all over again is tiring right now. I'm not exactly intimidated -- I've moved before, and I can re-build my life -- it just sounds tiring right now.
-I can't believe how little money I have and, surprise surprise, I'm stressed out about paying for my trip back.
-I'm proud of myself for (almost) finishing TFA and having a relatively successful first two years of teaching.
-I'm still heartbroken that Finnick dies in Mockingjay. I'd never thought that anything would come close to the heartbreak of losing Mufasa in the Lion King, but this does.
-I'm glad to be a part of the teaching profession.
-I'm frustrated at how little teachers make, and I wonder if teaching is financially viable for me next year.
-I'm amazed at Nelson Mandela's nobility. Just finished his autobiography.
-I've had the compulsive need to ruthlessly get rid of stuff in the last few days. I filled 2 trash bags yesterday.
-I'm grateful for books that allow me to escape reality.
-I'm anxious about the backlash from the yearbooks, which we handed out today.
-I feel tense at trying to maintain the balance between a healthy end-of-the-year relaxed classroom and still teaching the children something.

Bottom line, I thought I'd be more invigorated at the end of TFA. Maybe I will be when I have a better idea of what my new life will look like.

Okay, back to distracting myself. That's enough thinking for now.

Easter

Easter is not the celebration of a past event. The alleluia is not for what was; Easter proclaims a beginning which has already decided the remotest future. The Resurrection means that the beginning of glory has already started. 
    ... Karl Rahner 

bird quotes

Because I have a weird obsession with birds.

"I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance that I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn." -Thoreau


"The very idea of a bird is a symbol and a suggestion to the poet. A bird seems to be at the top of the scale, so vehement and intense his life. . . . The beautiful vagabonds, endowed with every grace, masters of all climes, and knowing no bounds -- how many human aspirations are realised in their free, holiday-lives -- and how many suggestions to the poet in their flight and song!" -John Burroughs

I want this.

Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them: show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability... Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others. If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subjects of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is! nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration they say just what they think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God! 
    ... François Fénelon (1651-1715)