wow.

This morning, I got a job. I just can't believe it. What I've wanted so bad all year, what I've been striving for. I got back to California about a week ago, resigned to the idea of staying here and earning my way to another teaching job in a year or so. Then I got this call, and before I knew it, I had a job offer.

This is huge. This is the first time in seven years that my life has really, truly made sense. This is the first time since I left Trinity that I was really happy with the direction my life was going. I've been fulfilled, contented, and invigorated at times, but this is something else entirely.

All this time, I think I've been wondering if my desires were right or valid. I think that we do God a disservice by assuming that HIS WILL must be the least "fun" option in any given circumstance, the option we have to sacrifice the most to pursue, the option that will "build character" the most. If I am walking with God every day and seeking to align my mind with His, why can't what I want align with what He wants?

And I don't think that God's will for my life is a narrow line at all. I think it's more like a field of wildflowers or something, the task and portion he's given me, and I'm free to frolic in that space as much as I'd like. Frolicking in a field of flowers presents a much better picture to me than tiptoeing rigidly across an invisible line.

So now that everything is finally coming together, that my faith is sight in this area of my life, how do I feel? I've been surprised at how cynical my thoughts have been:
"Well, you haven't been there yet. You don't know -- it could be miserable."
"You didn't work hard enough to earn this position."
"This past year wasn't difficult enough for you -- you should've suffered more to really appreciate this opportunity."

Don't those sound insane? I've learned to walk with God in faith, clutching his hand and squeezing my eyes shut. But now that the way has opened clear before me, I'm not sure what to do. God must be chuckling to himself at how difficult I make things for myself sometimes.