Madeline Bray

Nicholas: I have been happy for times, little times, since he died. But never at peace.

Madeline: Nicholas, I feel you know what it's like to be without happiness, but do you know what it's like to be afraid of it? To see the world as so conniving, you cannot take pleasure in the appearance of something good, because you suspect it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie. That has been my life. Every good thing has been a trick...until you. But I am afraid to take your hand. What if you can not, or will not, save me? I can bear to be maltreated by the greedy or the weak...but to be let down by an angel...

Nicholas: I am not an angel. I live as far from that lofty perch as any man. My temper alone, my impatience - well, perhaps I should not list all my faults in case I am too persuasive. You are the one who is so admirably able and strong.

Madeline: I am tired of being strong.

Nicholas: As am I. Weakness is tiring, but strength is exhausting. You see, I cannot save you, for I need saving too.

I relate to most of the characters in Nicholas Nickleby on some level, but Madeline Bray's feelings in this scene have most closely reflected my own. Whenever my life is going relatively well, I fail to enjoy the good things because I constantly wonder when the other shoe will drop . My thoughts become morbid and for this I would almost rather be suffering than walking in the paranoid contentment that has been my alternative. I fear that if I don't enjoy my God-given happiness "enough," He'll take it away and punish me. I worry that because I am happy, I am not "contrite" enough - I am taking God for granted and He will knock me to my knees again.

What deception! I must not know my loving Father very well at all to have such a low opinion of Him, to so fear His punishment.

But I do have reason to feel the way I do - many good things in my life have been "a trick." God has not always been present enough in my life for me to cling to Him in times of fear. I have felt betrayed and abandoned by Him, and not without reason.

It's easy to silence my feelings on this subject by giving the usual trite, "Christian" answers.

I will not learn to trust God, however, unless I let myself feel my feelings instead of "spiritualizing" them.

I know that all I need to do is see Him - to see what He is doing in my heart, how He is pursuing me, how He is healing me. My mind is telling me that He is doing all of these things, but my heart is still longing for His touch.

I choose to wait for Him instead of "making things right" by myself as I so often do, being strong and saving myself. I will do my part, yes, but I want Him to pursue me. I need Him to pursue me.