"Father,
I want to know Thee, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.
I come trembling, but I do come.
Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival.
Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious.
Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.
In Jesus' name.
Amen."
This is from the Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer, and I think it truly reflects my own heart in the last few days.
Since moving back, I've had my ups and downs - as P.B. Shelley puts it, "One wandering thought pollutes the day." With the adjustments I am making, it is so easy to let just one stray, self-pitying thought ruin my attitude, my mood, and my connection with God.
When I let this happen, I am putting my pride and my "martyrdom" on the throne of my heart in place of the most High God. I have come to depend on my pride in my "sacrifice" to make me feel secure, because I think it is all I have left in the face of such change in my life.
I'm afraid to give up this "martyrdom" because that would mean I can't take care of myself, that I actually need the God who longs to take my worries. I have only to leave them at the foot of the Cross; He died to carry my burdens for me, to defeat Worry's hold on me.
What more could I possibly ask for?
"Your God is present among you,
a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with His love
and delight you with His songs.
The accumulated sorrows of your exile will dissipate.
I, your God, will get rid of them for you.
You've carried those burdens long enough."
- Zeph. 3:17-18 MSG
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