wow.

This morning, I got a job. I just can't believe it. What I've wanted so bad all year, what I've been striving for. I got back to California about a week ago, resigned to the idea of staying here and earning my way to another teaching job in a year or so. Then I got this call, and before I knew it, I had a job offer.

This is huge. This is the first time in seven years that my life has really, truly made sense. This is the first time since I left Trinity that I was really happy with the direction my life was going. I've been fulfilled, contented, and invigorated at times, but this is something else entirely.

All this time, I think I've been wondering if my desires were right or valid. I think that we do God a disservice by assuming that HIS WILL must be the least "fun" option in any given circumstance, the option we have to sacrifice the most to pursue, the option that will "build character" the most. If I am walking with God every day and seeking to align my mind with His, why can't what I want align with what He wants?

And I don't think that God's will for my life is a narrow line at all. I think it's more like a field of wildflowers or something, the task and portion he's given me, and I'm free to frolic in that space as much as I'd like. Frolicking in a field of flowers presents a much better picture to me than tiptoeing rigidly across an invisible line.

So now that everything is finally coming together, that my faith is sight in this area of my life, how do I feel? I've been surprised at how cynical my thoughts have been:
"Well, you haven't been there yet. You don't know -- it could be miserable."
"You didn't work hard enough to earn this position."
"This past year wasn't difficult enough for you -- you should've suffered more to really appreciate this opportunity."

Don't those sound insane? I've learned to walk with God in faith, clutching his hand and squeezing my eyes shut. But now that the way has opened clear before me, I'm not sure what to do. God must be chuckling to himself at how difficult I make things for myself sometimes.

losing my grip

Transitions are rough, man. I've got 3 more weeks in Arkansas, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. There are so many thoughts and feelings floating inside me and I can't seem to identify all of them. Here are a few:
-I'm sad & guilty to be leaving. I don't want to be just one more person that floats in and out of my kids' lives. I love my school and my kids. I'll miss them.
-I'm eagerly anticipating the end of the school year (understatement), but I'm reeling that it's actually almost over.
-I love my kids so much. I can't believe how much.
-I'm vaguely looking forward to moving back to California -- I know it will be amazing -- but the prospect of moving to yet another new place and making all new friends and building my life all over again is tiring right now. I'm not exactly intimidated -- I've moved before, and I can re-build my life -- it just sounds tiring right now.
-I can't believe how little money I have and, surprise surprise, I'm stressed out about paying for my trip back.
-I'm proud of myself for (almost) finishing TFA and having a relatively successful first two years of teaching.
-I'm still heartbroken that Finnick dies in Mockingjay. I'd never thought that anything would come close to the heartbreak of losing Mufasa in the Lion King, but this does.
-I'm glad to be a part of the teaching profession.
-I'm frustrated at how little teachers make, and I wonder if teaching is financially viable for me next year.
-I'm amazed at Nelson Mandela's nobility. Just finished his autobiography.
-I've had the compulsive need to ruthlessly get rid of stuff in the last few days. I filled 2 trash bags yesterday.
-I'm grateful for books that allow me to escape reality.
-I'm anxious about the backlash from the yearbooks, which we handed out today.
-I feel tense at trying to maintain the balance between a healthy end-of-the-year relaxed classroom and still teaching the children something.

Bottom line, I thought I'd be more invigorated at the end of TFA. Maybe I will be when I have a better idea of what my new life will look like.

Okay, back to distracting myself. That's enough thinking for now.

Easter

Easter is not the celebration of a past event. The alleluia is not for what was; Easter proclaims a beginning which has already decided the remotest future. The Resurrection means that the beginning of glory has already started. 
    ... Karl Rahner 

bird quotes

Because I have a weird obsession with birds.

"I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance that I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn." -Thoreau


"The very idea of a bird is a symbol and a suggestion to the poet. A bird seems to be at the top of the scale, so vehement and intense his life. . . . The beautiful vagabonds, endowed with every grace, masters of all climes, and knowing no bounds -- how many human aspirations are realised in their free, holiday-lives -- and how many suggestions to the poet in their flight and song!" -John Burroughs

I want this.

Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them: show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability... Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others. If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subjects of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is! nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration they say just what they think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God! 
    ... François Fénelon (1651-1715)

O Love that Wilt Not Let Me Go

My newest hymn obsession.

This is the version I like: 


This is the background, from the writer, George Matheson: 

My hymn was com­posed in the manse of In­ne­lan [Ar­gyle­shire, Scot­land] on the ev­en­ing of the 6th of June, 1882, when I was 40 years of age. I was alone in the manse at that time. It was the night of my sister’s mar­ri­age, and the rest of the fam­i­ly were stay­ing over­night in Glas­gow. Some­thing hap­pened to me, which was known only to my­self, and which caused me the most se­vere men­tal suf­fer­ing. The hymn was the fruit of that suf­fer­ing. It was the quick­est bit of work I ever did in my life. I had the im­press­ion of hav­ing it dic­tat­ed to me by some in­ward voice ra­ther than of work­ing it out my­self. I am quite sure that the whole work was com­plet­ed in five min­utes, and equal­ly sure that it ne­ver re­ceived at my hands any re­touch­ing or cor­rect­ion. I have no na­tur­al gift of rhy­thm. All the other vers­es I have ever writ­ten are man­u­fact­ured ar­ti­cles; this came like a day­spring from on high.

And here are the words: 

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red

Life that shall endless be. 

our mission

"Is not this the fast that I choose;
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?

Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not hide yourself from your own flesh?

Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say 'Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,

if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.

And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail."

Isaiah 58:6-11