look at the birds

"Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds." -Matthew 6:25

I have a bird feeder hanging out my window, and this plastic contraption has had more of an effect on my life than I thought it would.

You see, this bird feeder, contrary to my pessimistic predictions, actually attracts birds.

Lots of them.

I have always really loved birds - I don't know why, but they fascinate me. Jesus uses them to represent simplicity and trust in God, and maybe part of the reason these little creatures captivate me is that their nature is so opposite to mine.

I try so hard. I always have. Something deep inside of me needs to feel adequate, needs to feel like I can make up to God what He has done for me. So I strive, fail, feel guilty, tell myself to suck it up, and try again. And when I am wounded, I skip the first two steps and go right to blaming myself somehow, feeling guilty, and searching desperately for love, using other means.

My spiritual life has taken an interesting turn lately - I'm angry at God, you see.

As previously mentioned, when I am hurt, I don't become angry - instead I just absorb the pain and find some way to blame it on my own inadequacies. So my counselor has been urging me to let myself feel angry and disappointed in the people that have hurt me, including God. And I'm trying.

But it's difficult, because I've never been angry at God before - I've always tried so hard to be "good." I'm realizing though, that if my relationship with Him is to go anywhere from here, I must be honest with Him instead of ignoring my feelings like I'm in the practice of doing.

It's also scary - I feel like I've had my dear Foundation pulled out from under me, and I have no previous experience of this to fall back on, that'll assure me that I'm safe. It's hard to thank Him or ask Him for things when I'm realizing that deep down inside, I'm afraid He'll hurt me again.

I'm still in love with Him, though, and I still read my Bible and pray and journal and all that, but I don't feel His presence, and that is perhaps what scares me the most.

So, for now, I am clinging to the image of the birds, because I know that God is trying to speak to me through it. I just don't understand what He is trying to say. I'm sure the amazing connection will come soon, like it always does, but for now I wait, clinging to the mercies of God that keep my faith alive during times like this.